I’m not sure I understand how it’s almost the end of August, but here we are. After what feels like ages, I can say with a fair degree of confidence that I still am not confident in what I will be doing with my life going forward. I don’t say this in a “the world is bleak and I have no future” kind of way (although it does feel that way somedays), but just in a “things aren’t as certain as I’d like them to be, and that’s stressful” kind of way. That being said, things are still moving along, albeit at a glacial pace, so I figured I’d write a little update.
As promised in July, I received my official Arrêté de Nomination on 21 August with the beautiful stamp from the DIRECCTE office. I was actually quite impressed with the fact that it came in when they said it would. If circumstances were “normal” this year, assistants in the Dijon academie would now be able to apply for their visa, but as we all know, “normal” is the last word anyone would ever use to describe 2020. Everyone is still stuck in this weird limbo of not knowing what’s truly going on, but being told that the program is happening (insert rising panic levels here).
Since I don’t need a visa to do the program because of my EU citizenship, I have clearance to do the program regardless of how any travel bans impact Americans, which I’ll be honest, is a mixed blessing. In other years where this would make things much easier, it’s unfortunately complicated them this time around. Where I usually would have unimpeded entrance to France, I now have to first enter the EU through the country of my second citizenship, and then go onto France, which lengthens the journey by several hours. That within itself isn’t a massive deal, although a tad inconvenient, but actually making myself buy the plane ticket(s – have to book multiple legs to get to Paris) feels like such a daunting task. Every time I entertain that idea (which is more often than I’d like to admit), I think about the possibility of France cancelling in person teaching and withdrawing the program, or France closing its borders before I’d be set to fly, and sending me back to square one all over again. I’m very grateful that I don’t have to deal with the stress of getting a visa, or wondering if they’ll start being issued soon (as of 23 August, work visas for Americans are not being issued), but while not getting the visa alleviates one stressor, it doesn’t get rid of them all. I also have to have a negative COVID-19 test taken within 72 hours before boarding my flight to Europe, which is an additional stressor in this whole thing, but that’s a different issue to be tackled after the tickets are bought.
On top of all the stress about booking my flight, I also feel like my brain is constantly vacillating on whether this is something I should be doing, given that I’d be working in schools, and in another country, far away from all my family. You know that song “should I stay or should I go”? That’s what I feel like every time I actually dedicate energy to thinking about the situation. I find that I overwhelm my brain and it’s very easy to shut down if I get too in my head about all the variables. I do really want to go to France, and I get excited every time I get an email from France or my prof ref, but I’m also nervous about the global situation, and what that means for me. I ALSO am concerned that if I stay at home and don’t go, that I’ll be unemployed for potentially a decent amount of time (not for lack for trying), or that I won’t make any progress on what were my personal goals, and that’s not an exciting outlook to have, either. I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel absolute confidence in whatever I choose to do, but I’m hoping I’ll have a moment of clarity at some point (and hopefully soon).
ANYWAY. That was some decent word spillage onto the page, but the good news is that most school personnel should be back in the office in France starting Monday, 24 August, so fingers crossed everyone will start getting more contact, and information at that point. It’s hard to know whether to book a flight when things might not happen, but I don’t know if we’ll really know until October 1 comes around. Obviously, everything is still touch and go, and frustratingly day to day, but I know that I, and everyone else doing TAPIF, aren’t the only ones in the world experiencing the effects of the global situation on this level. That doesn’t necessarily make the waiting and the decision making less stressful, but at least we aren’t alone. I’ve found a great support network in the other assistants for this year’s cohort, and I’m immensely glad for it (shoutout to the ever popping Discord chat – if you know, you know).
As August rolls to a close, it’s remarkable to me how quickly the process has gone by since I was accepted, considering that I haven’t been doing that much in my daily life (or at least, not as much as before everything shutdown). It’s hard to believe that if everything aligns, I’ll be in France this time next month, which is a weird statement under the best of circumstances, but especially right now. I’m not expecting any decision making to become easier in the coming weeks, or for there to be a sudden burst of clarity that wasn’t there before. I hope that one day I will read these pre-France posts back and laugh at how silly I was to be stressed, or at least have a “remember when” moment. Until then, we persist with the potential of new adventure in France! A (hopefully) bientôt!
Not Your Average Giraffe 